Archive for October 2009

Chasing Sexy away

October 31, 2009

It became very apparent today that I am not bringing sexy back nor anywhere else for that matter. In fact, I do believe I am chasing sexy away.

So there was the Halloween costume debacle where Iwanted to be the Purple People Eater and my friends said Nope! (See “Purple People Eater?) That should have been my first clue…

I decided to be a witch, because it is easy find things to wear (and so I didn’t have to buy anything completely new or make anything too completed). Well, for Rocky Horror, it is advisable to be sexy, because thats what everyone who goes there dresses like and all of my friends have rather seductive costumes. However, while looking for things to spice up my costume, I realized do not know how to be sexy. I think I’m missing the sexy gene.

I didn’t want to revel too much skin, but its not sexy to cover everything. Yes, I have fishnets, but I don’t have any sexy heels because I think they are all too hard to walk in. Also, I tend to attempt to cover everything, even though thats certainly not sexy. So I was searching my clothes and all my costume pieces, but could not find sexy anywhere.

Frustrated and about to give up or go to the mall, I went to go do other things when my mom asked me what I was wearing to Rocky. I told her I ha no idea.

“Do you want to see what I have?” she asked me. I just smiled at her because my mom is not really the hip, fashionable type or he incredibly sexy type and she is taller than me so we are not like the share clothes type either.

“Seriously,” she said, “do you want to wear a corset?”

Yes. But I still couldn’t believe she had one. I don’t have one.

So, she took me into her room and started pulling out corsets, lace gloves, lace stockings and the works. So I started playing dress-up with it all when it occurred to me that I would never ever buy this kind of stuff for myself. I would never wear it in real life (like with a guy). I am just not sexy.

But, I was determined to be sexy at least this once.

I had a light pink corset on, but now needed something to wear on the bottom. Do you know what I did? I don’t have any short skirts or tiny shorts so do you know what I put on? My tutu. I put on a ballet tutu and with the corset on my mom asked me if I had decided to be a strange looking ballerina instead. Note to self: tutus are not sexy. In fact, tutus are the complete opposite of sexy and chase it away.

I tried on several other things. A shall from Mexico tied around my waist (that just looked stupid). A balck ballet wrap around skirt (these are also not sexy) and then the fishnets, but they are more like tights than fishnets so that wasn’t sexy either.

Eventually, my mom realized what a hopeless cause I was and told me to wear this short black dress (that I normally wear with leggins or tights in real life). I settled on that and stockins and lace gloves and my witch hat. I was not sexy, but I was close, so it will have to do.

Maybe I am missing the sexy gene. The more I think about it,  the more I believe I’m hopeless. In the one strange and awkward relationship I ever had, the guy referred to me as “cute”. I’ve always been “cute”. On occasion I can be “pretty”, but that’s the extend of anything. I’ve never been “beautiful” and I really have never been “sexy”.

How does that happen? How can some people be so naturally sexy and confident and attractive, while others have to borrow sexy from their mom? Can these poor souls like myself learn sexy? Or will I just always have to settle for “cute”?

This is why I never been asked out. This is why I don’t have a boyfriend.

Happy Halloween. Hope yours is sexier than mine.

 

 

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Really?

October 30, 2009

So this morning on my commute to work, I was listening to the radio. I usually hate listening to the radio in the morning because pretty much all the stations have the stupidest crap they talk about, but I had to suffer since there were no good CDs in my car.

Anyway, on 94.5 (the Buzz), on the Rod Ryan show, they had like Halloween specials and were talking about scary things. They had this story about these guys in Sienna who were drilling into the earth (I don’t really know why and it’s really not important as to why), right, and they drilled like 9 miles down when they hit hollow earth. Well, apparently, these Sienna drillers heard screams coming from the now hollow hole. So of course, these busters get sound recoding equipment and such to record all the screams and sounds they are hearing.

Do you know what these drillers decided it was that they were hearing?

The screams of hell.

And here is where we all need to pause and reflect on everything we may or may not know about hell and underground things and ask, Really?

Really Sienna drillers, hell is only 9 miles below our feet? Hell, which has been depicted as a fiery, burning, 500 million degree temperature is 9 miles underground? Really? Are you sure? Because thats kind of not possible.

Also, I took Geology and while I don’t remember a whole lot and I probably still cannot correctly identify metamorphic, sedimentary, and igneous rocks, we talked about what goes on underground.

If there is hollow ground, the wind, the shifting of rocks and the earth’s crust are going to make sounds. The sounds can be scientifically explained (better than I can explain them) and it is a natural occurence. Yes, the earth makes sounds even if nobody is there to hear it. Just like the tree falling in the empty woods; there is still noise.

But Rod Ryan and his cohorts were eating this biz up about those SIenna busters hearing …

The screams of hell.

So, then they decided to play what the drillers recorded for the listeners and they acted like this recording was the scariest, most horrrorfying, most life-changing track in the history of radio. Rod Ryan (who usually doesn’t believe in this stuff and really doesn’t even believe in hell, just in case you were wondering because apparently he thought everyone was) said that this tape really scared him and he believed that it very well could be hell. The other DJs on the show all agreed.

Then they made a big production of it being so scary that kids should not, under any circumstances hear it. Rod was like “if your kids are in the car or around, turn this off and listen to it later on the web” really Rod Ryan? Is it good to tell listeners to turn your show off? Are you sure? Don’t you get higher ratings if MORE people are listening to show rather then telling them t turn it off? Also how scary can some screaming be, Rod? Have you ever heard a Halloween soundtrack?

Well, eventually they were convinced all the kids weren’t listening and they went ahead and played the track.

My dear people friends, let me tell you what it sounded like…

It sounded like a high quality haunted house or Halloween sounds CD. It would be creepy, not even full-blown scream your lungs out and run away scary at night in the dark, but in the car at like 8 a.m., it was laughable.

So again, really, hell is so awful that the most blood curdling screams sound recorded? Really? Hell is no scarier tha a haunted house? Are you sure? Cause if that’s true it could be considered comforting rather than scary.

 

Listen to the sounds for yourself and let me know. http://www.thebuzz.com/cc-common/podcast/single_podcast.html?podcast=rodryan.xml

The podcast is called Sounds of Hell.

Really?

*This has been an episode of Really? with Dana.

Format idea from SNL’s “Really with Seth & Amy?”

hell

Purple People Eater?

October 29, 2009

Purple People Eater

A few weeks ago, my  wonderfully supportive, caring, and equally creative friends asked me what I was going to be for Halloween, because we are going to the Rocky Horror Picture show together.

My friend Aaron (www.kingaaron.wordpress.com) is going to be a 70s roller skater.

My friend 5,6,7, Kate is going to be a Native American (like Pocahantas)

My friend Travis is going to be Peter Pan (green tights and all).

I told them I wanted to be the Purple People Eater.

They told me I was no longer invited.

“You are not going to wear a huge costume made of purple fur!” they all shouted at me. “We are not going to roll you into the theatre, because you can’t fit through the door because your purple fur is too huge! That’s stupid!”

They really said that to me, my loving friends. Well, my intention was not to wear purple fur, thanks.

I technically stole this idea from somebody else, but I changed it a little so its semi-minem and it would have been sexy too. What I was going to do was wear a cute little purple dress, with purple tights, purple heels, wings, and draw a big eye on a party hat to wear so its like the eye and horn combined.

My “friends” still thought that was stupid and so did my mom. However, I still think it was a cute, innovate, original idea. How many Purple People Eaters do you see every Halloween? (Not many, right?) So now I have to be a witch (which is overdone I know, but at least my friends re-invited me if I dressed as such.)

I still have the urge though.

The other day we were all at Target and we saw a furry gorilla suit. I told them I would buy that and dye it purple.

Maybe next year.

Fur

Like this, only purple

Death looked like my car was off

October 27, 2009

 

This morning I really thought I was going to die.

You know in those action movies like Die Hard 1-13 (there are a lot of those damn movies) or Gone in 60 Seconds, Speed, or anything with Bruce Willis or the guy who I kind of like because he better looking than Bruce but similar in acting ability (oh, Nicholas Cage) or like Denzel Washington (minus Snakes on a Plane, because really?) when they are in a state of panic because a bomb is strapped to the a bus full of blind/deaf kids or a terrorist is running armed to subway station? That is how I felt this morning.

My car’s air bags (I drive a 2001 Honda Civic- everyone knows somebody who loves a Honda) were recalled because if they deployed, the inflator (which is basically an explosive, as that’s what makes the airbags shoot out ) was defective. Instead of airbags shooting out,. shards of metal would shoot out instead, possibly causing fatalities. I refer to them as eye shards.

 

Honda Civic

Everyone knows somebody who loves a Honda!

 

 

Well, last week I went to get the eye shards fixed and when I got home both of my parents wanted to know what they did to the car or if they even fixed it. Like I would know what they did to the car? I read a book in the lobby while the car was with the mechanics! I would assume they fixed it. Then my dad said, “Did you ask them what they did to it?” No, Dad. I don’t know anything about cars and I will readily admit this. I went to get an oil change and the guy asked me what kind of oil I wanted. I told him preferably the kind of oil that goes into cars, rather than like vegetable oil or baby oil. I then went on to describe the color and texture of car oil to him, and he still wanted to know what number/brand of oil that was. Jesus!

So this morning, I get into my car and start driving to school just like normal, when all of a sudden all the lights in my dashboard (like the gas gauge, the speedometer, etc), the radio, and the AC/Heat all just go off and there is the noise like “boaa” when the power goes off in your house. Well before I can really start to freak out, it all comes back on. So I thought maybe I imagined it or, I seriously thought this, maybe I was hit with a police radar gun because I was technically driving in a school zone but was going a little over 20 mph since CCISD had off today for teacher in-service so there was basically “no school”. However, I don’t think thats what happens if you’re hit with (but I don’t really know what happenes, so I’ll keep making things up till somebody tells me for real).

Well, less than four minutes later, power goes out again, but keep in mind the car still works because my foot is on the gas. It does not immediately come back on, instead, the only light lit up is the SRS airbag light and remember they recently fixed the explosive in the air bag. So I start to really spaz because my foot was on the gas while all that happened so I didn’t know if my brakes still worked (I don’t think its connected, but I was panicked)   and I became convinced that the airbags were just going to deploy and cause the whole car to explode. This was the Bruce Willis Die Hard feeling of, “can’t stop the car because the bomb is connected to brakes and its headed straight for a bus full of blind orphans all holding prayer candles”. And this story gets worse.

Completely concerned with what is going on and pissing the people off all around me (Sorry if you were driving on El Dorado or Bay Area this morning near a silver Honda civic by the way)  because I keep lightly testing the brakes and was probably driving like 5 since I didn’t have a speedometer and I was waiting for an explosion. Finally, I made it into a parking lot, where I turned off the entire car and waited a full 3 minutes before restarting it.

Everything restarted ok and power was restored. I was relived and hoped that maybe it would be ok now. It wasn’t. I make it all the way down Bay Area (thank God), but as I’m turning into UHCL, the power does it again. This time it doesn’t even flicker back on for brief moments, its gone.  The thought crossed my mind that there was a bomb on my car and I really did do a quick mental list of everyone who might sabotage me or want me dead before deciding that a bomb on the car was probably not the source of the problem.

By this point in time, I literally imagine I see my life flash before my eyes because I am certain the car is going to explode with me inside or the air bags are going to deploy suddenly and I’ll lose control of the car and crash into a brick wall, yet at the same time I am really concerned with not driving over 30 mph, because the UHCL police love to give tickets. Also because whenever your life is in danger, it is often commonplace to think about trivial matters like getting a ticket, because just in case you do live, you don’t want to be stuck paying a ticket.

The drive from the UHCL entrance to the Bayou Building parking lot never took so long. Of course, I was also still probably going like 5 mph cause of those crazy cops. I could hear my heart beating in my ears and my entire body was shaking as that bright red SRS air bag light laughed at me and threatened to explode in my face  (literally).  I also don’t remember breathing during this time. When I made it to the lot, I pulled in the first space I could find, which is literally like miles from the building entrance and seriously turned off the car and jumped out of it. I could not get out fast enough. I then immediately called my dad.

The car died completely this afternoon, luckily right in the Auto Zone parking lot (I drove it there but my dad was behind me, so I figured that if it did explode at least I would have somebody there to dig out my remains), but my dad and this old Auto Zone guy named Bob determined that all I needed was a new battery and the air bag people probably didn’t mess it up.  So after a new $90 battery was put in, all the power was restored and so far has stayed that way. But I still have my suspicions. It was a very emotionally taxing adventure.

The moral of this story is probably that I adverted the hands of death once more by using my Bruce Willis skills and I hope all of you had a better day than I did.

 

Die Hard

I have crazy Bruce Willis skills

 

 

Thanks (an epiphany)

October 27, 2009

So at work yesterday morning, one of my friends that I work with and I were talking and she goes “Oh, I read your little blog by the way” and I kinda laughed and said how it was fun.

Then I had an epiphany:

People I may or may not know are actually reading this, possibly right now.

Of course people are going to read all of my useless crap because that it was these types of media are for, but it just hit me. I guess because in the beginning nobody was reading so it didn’t matter, except that I really wanted people to read what I was posting because wordpress has this feature that keeps track of how many views you get on your blog each day, and mine literally said zero. The lines on the graph it displays could have just been another x-axis.

So, I started to publicise on Facebook and with my friends and soon the numbers on my graph began to rise. Now I get about 30 views a day, which doesn’t sound like much, but to me it means lot. On the day of the Match.com story I got 88 views!

Anyway, I was basically thinking just in terms of numbers because I wanted some damn lines on my graph. I wasn’t thinking about how  people I may or may not know would actually absorb and read the information. Which is stupid, but it’s how I thought.

So I would like to take this opportunity to say thanks, to all of you who have ever even taken a glance at my musings. I mean this in a very sincere and heartfelt way.

I always kind of wanted to do something like this and maybe one day, those 30 views will turn into 300 and I’ll have followers and a fan base, or maybe I will just have 3 views and that would be ok too (but let’s not let that happen too soon, ok?).

So please, let me know what you want to see here, let me know what you think, because I am here to serve and entertain.

Roses for you

Thank you for visiting www.duckduckDana.wordpress.com, come back soon!

*Note: This post has been dedicated to YOU!

Things I’d rather do

October 25, 2009

So I’m going to make another list. Sorry for all the lists this evening, but I am feeling listless (that was a knee slapper). Also I am trying to make up for not posting this weekend. And there is probably one more reason.

I am a huge To-do list person. I cannot function with a planner. I just get a notebook and write down all the things I have to do, so I can see them all on one page and I know what is required of me. I think the main reason I like lists is the feeling I get after I cross something off of one. Its that instantaneous burst of joy that is like “YESSSSSSSSSS! I’VE ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING!” I would almost even go as far as comparing it to the fridge feeling (see “My own Refrigerator”) except not as strong or lasting, because it is a fleeting feeling.

Anyway, I am probably making so many lists because I am ignoring my To-Do list which does not contain anything nearly as fun as what I am about to describe.

A List of all the things I would rather do than what I’m actually supposed to do.

My mom accused me of wanting to have fun 24/24 (yes she actually said that). When I told her that didn’t make sense, she said that she meant I wanted to have fun 24 hours out of everyday, which is 24 hours. She also said that I should be lucky if I get to have 1 hour of fun out of every 24 and that often times I should have no hours of fun because life sucks a lot of times and fun should not be expected. I gave her angry looks and went to have 48 hours of fun in every 24 hours. Take that fun-ruiner.

But I digress:

  • Listen to music and try to find new bands/artists to like
  • Dance around my room or house or just where ever
  • Go to dance class
  • Blog about things
  • Pretend to be working on the things I have to be doing
  • Text people that may or may not be my friends
  • Watch Glee, Saturday Night Live clips, Parks and Rec, 30 Rock or Family Guy on hulu
  • Read books (that do not pertain in any way to school)
  • Facebook
  • Watch movies
  • Go to the library and find fun/strange books and movies
  • Think about all the things I should be doing and plan on doing them very soon
  • Read the newspaper or magazines
  • Change the words to songs to make them funny
  • Make food (like cookies or cupcakes or anything microwavable)
  • Stare out the window
  • Look at old pictures
  • Make lists of all the things I should be doing and then think about doing them
  • Plan sleepovers and events with friends
  • Go to the movies
  • Go out to eat
  • Go to iyogurt
  • Make lists of things I’d rather do than all the things I’m supposed to actually do

Funny words never said

October 25, 2009

I would just like to share with you some words/phrases I think are funny that people rarely ever say in real life. I think its fun to try to incorporate these words in everyday conversations.

  • Shan’t (opposite of shall)
  • Thus far (this far, so far)
  • Buster (angry name, as in I’m talking to you Buster!)
  • Gander (Let me take a gander or guess)
  • Plethora (large amount)
  • Biz (short for business)
  • Good kidding (what you say after someone says just kidding)
  • Storms getting ugly (when the weather is bad)
  • Comatose (tired, beat)
  • Lethargic (slow moving rats)
  • Languid (lazy, tired again)
  • Bomb squad (when you lock up or open a building or home with an alarm)
  • Ain’t got no eyes (a good excuse for anything really)
  • Every damn where (stick damn in the middle of compound words and it gets entertaining)
  • Yet (added to the end of every sentence)
  • Also (added to the beginning of every sentence)i
  • Fold in the middle (when you sit)
  • Tip,tip,tip,tip,tip (while you drink from a glass)
  • Fellas (guys)
  • Cohorts (acquaintances)
  • You need to calm down (usually makes people angry)
  • You need to lower your voice (another good one)
  • This is why (thats all you need as a reason)

As with all lists, this is far from complete. But try working some of these words or phrases into your everyday language and they may or may not make you and your friends smile!