Archive for the ‘Sketch ideas’ category

I See You Baby – Shakin’ That Ass

July 9, 2011

So, Aaron Kate and myself spontaneously decided to go to a club last night. This was quite the decision, considering the fact that none of us had ever actually been to a club before.

After the Gaga concert in April, Aaron and I met his bf at a rave, but raves are not really clubs. Although (pulling a Stephon here) the rave had everything: light shows by guys with glow stick gloves, girls wearing boots with the fur and baby skirts, the guy with a spiderman mask and a gas mask on, strobe lights, pool tables and an underground level. I swear I laughed the entire 45 minutes we were at the rave and worried about how many drugs I unintentionally inhaled the rest of the night.

Anyway, last night we decided to go to Southbeach, a gay club, and the only thing it had in common with the rave was the hilarity factor. Thank God. But, it still wasn’t the best night of my life.

First of all, no offense, but it was kind of full of losers. Like older queerbos were literally dancing by themselves and there was hardly a crowd (and it was a Friday night). Then the music was mega techno, which would have been fine, except they played the same song for what seemed like hours on end. We were there for over an hour and we only knew a handful of songs; they didn’t  play any Gaga or even any  like Brittany Spears or Madonna or Cher. It’s a gay club for christ’s sake, what were they thinking? The DJ was sitting behind a glass booth and I was really tempted to knock on his window and tell him to switch it up a bit. There was also this male stripper, who was basically just a body builder guy in his undies doing hip rolls, not even touching the pole. Yet, he probs made more money in the time we were there than I make in a week cause guys were sticking all kinds of dollar dollar bill yos in his undies. Also some strange characters ( again its a gay club – leave us alone) were trying to dance all up on me and Kate, so we had a great time making  freaked out faces and literally hopping away to avoid their grinding male parts.

The funniest thing of my life, however, was that I ran into a guy that I work with at TUTS. It was super-mega-akward because it was when we first got there and were trying to scope out the scene (cause we had never been to a club), so I was on like sensory overload and here the buster comes strolling up with his bf. Then he felt the need to introduce everyone to everyone, which I so didn’t understand because (a) the techno was blaring so loud you couldn’t hear shit – according to Kate and Aaron I even heard his bf’s name wrong and (b) we were so not going to hang out with him, I mean that’s just weird.

I just thought it was completely ironic that of all the gays Aaron knows, I ran into somebody. Lord knows that would happen to me.

One song they certainly didn’t play, which is now one of my top faves is the YouTube sensation I See You Baby (Shakin’ That Ass). So here it is for your listening pleasure.

Who am I anyway?

November 29, 2010

“Who am I anyway? Am I my resume? That is a picture of a person I don’t know. What does he want from me? What should I try to be? So many faces all around and here we go…” – A Chorus Line

I am going to be embarking on an actual college-like experience which is pretty much the anthesis of everything I stand for and believe in. But I need some “college days” stories in my autobiography, so it’s a necessary evil (as opposed to a great, unmerited one).

Anyway, I need to decide how to best describe myself to these new people, especially since I tend to come off more snotty and mean than I want people to know I am the first several times I meet them.

Basically, I need to devise a spoken Match.com profile for when I meet people. I am thinking that it will go something like this:

My name is Dana Lizik and I’m an alcoholic. Just kidding. I don’t drink or smoke or party or have any fun. Just kidding. I do have some fun, but not in the mainstream/call-the-cops kind of way. I am known best as the comic relief although I tend to be overdramtic given my 16 years of dance and theatre training. I am a diehard Saturday Night Live fan and have been watching the show since I was like 8 years old. I was even named after Dana Carvey.  I known all the lyrics to more than several Broadway shows and I am going to be a Rockette. Just kidding. I’m barely 5′ tall. I could never be a Rockette. I have a B.A. in Communication and an A.A. in Journalism, so obvious grammatic errors and unnecessary commas drive me crazy (although you’d never know it because I don’t proofread my own stuff worth crap an couldn’t spell my way out of a paper bag). I choose apple over PC any day. I get along with gays better than any other type of person and I am a strong gay rights supporter. I love Lady Gaga, which is weird because once the masses of society begin to like a celebrity, show, movie, etc. I usually feel the need to stop liking it. If I was rich I would own a closet full of Urban Outfitters clothes. I am an extremely picky eater and a tad OCD about certain aspects of my life. I have three jobs and the Protestant work ethic. I am overly responsible and a natural-born leader, which means I like to be in charge of things.  I have a stripper pole in my bedroom. I know all the words to the videos in the WeeSing series. I am seriously considering working for the government. I hate to drive. I love sarcasm and deadpanned jokes. One day I’m either going to famous or infamous depending on many factors including the weather. So tell me a little about yourself.

What would people do if I actually said all that when I met them? You know you know somebody who does something like this. Hopefully I am not the person that comes to mind. Yet.

Jerked into land of imagination (mixed SIGNALS #3)

October 7, 2010

So this is probably the best episode of mixed SIGNALS yet. The script was genius, it was much more rehearsed and I think its worthy of some kind of excellent news award.

However, there is one small fluke. In the Bed Bug report, Jenny (the co-anchor) is trying to make you squirm and in telling the story she says “drift off into imagination land.” We have found, depending on your state of mind and your attention level, though, it can sound like “jerk off into imagination land,” which can change the whole context of the segment. Its funny either way, except one way is funnier than the other. So what do you hear?

Enjoy!

 

Community Center part deux

July 30, 2010

So as I have previously mentioned I go to my local community center gym. And its worthy of a sitcom. Here is just one more little anecdote to prove it.  This scene would probably make a great trailer for the sitcom.

I usually go in the early mornings or evenings, so I have seen pretty much everyone who ever goes at those times at least once before. However, one Friday I got off work early, so I went in the mid-afternoon. There was only Larry and this one lady on a treadmill, so I thought I was safe on my elliptical.

However, in walked a talkative old couple. They were not married, but they may have been friends or friends with benefits, I’m not exactly sure how old people roll, but they were definitely in their late 60s if not a little older. They knew both Larry and the lady on the treadmill, so they started chatting it up with them about how long it had been since they’d last made an appearance at the gym and how everyone was doing.

The old guy was proud to announce that he had just had his cataracts removed and could finally see that the lady on the treadmill had hair, which he was also pleased to announce. His old lady-friend got on a treadmill, still chatting away about her grandchildren or something and the old guy meandered my way.

I crossed my fingers and prayed that he would just leave me alone, but I just knew he was going to end up talking to me, since he had been looking my way since he waltzed in the door. He slowly made his way over to the elliptical and looked at me for a good minute.

“Working on your hips?” he asked, while glancing at my entire being.

“Haha yeah,” I tried to laugh him off.

“I think big hips are nice, don’t you?” he asked me.

“If I did I wouldn’t be here,” I told him.

“Well, they’re nice on somebody else, don’t you think?”

I didn’t respond to that one.

“You keep running like that, but not going anywhere,” he remarked.

“Don’t remind me,” I told him.

Then he sat down and began talking to Larry, every few minutes looking back at me and commenting how I was just going to fly out of the gym on the elliptical.

“Enjoy it while you’re young,” he told me after I had finished  my work out and was on my way out the door. “Cause it doesn’t last.”

And I thought what a lie that was because since old guys are the only ones who hit on me now, maybe when I’m old the young guys will finally see what they’ve been missing.