Posted tagged ‘sexy’

I See You Baby – Shakin’ That Ass

July 9, 2011

So, Aaron Kate and myself spontaneously decided to go to a club last night. This was quite the decision, considering the fact that none of us had ever actually been to a club before.

After the Gaga concert in April, Aaron and I met his bf at a rave, but raves are not really clubs. Although (pulling a Stephon here) the rave had everything: light shows by guys with glow stick gloves, girls wearing boots with the fur and baby skirts, the guy with a spiderman mask and a gas mask on, strobe lights, pool tables and an underground level. I swear I laughed the entire 45 minutes we were at the rave and worried about how many drugs I unintentionally inhaled the rest of the night.

Anyway, last night we decided to go to Southbeach, a gay club, and the only thing it had in common with the rave was the hilarity factor. Thank God. But, it still wasn’t the best night of my life.

First of all, no offense, but it was kind of full of losers. Like older queerbos were literally dancing by themselves and there was hardly a crowd (and it was a Friday night). Then the music was mega techno, which would have been fine, except they played the same song for what seemed like hours on end. We were there for over an hour and we only knew a handful of songs; they didn’t  play any Gaga or even any  like Brittany Spears or Madonna or Cher. It’s a gay club for christ’s sake, what were they thinking? The DJ was sitting behind a glass booth and I was really tempted to knock on his window and tell him to switch it up a bit. There was also this male stripper, who was basically just a body builder guy in his undies doing hip rolls, not even touching the pole. Yet, he probs made more money in the time we were there than I make in a week cause guys were sticking all kinds of dollar dollar bill yos in his undies. Also some strange characters ( again its a gay club – leave us alone) were trying to dance all up on me and Kate, so we had a great time making  freaked out faces and literally hopping away to avoid their grinding male parts.

The funniest thing of my life, however, was that I ran into a guy that I work with at TUTS. It was super-mega-akward because it was when we first got there and were trying to scope out the scene (cause we had never been to a club), so I was on like sensory overload and here the buster comes strolling up with his bf. Then he felt the need to introduce everyone to everyone, which I so didn’t understand because (a) the techno was blaring so loud you couldn’t hear shit – according to Kate and Aaron I even heard his bf’s name wrong and (b) we were so not going to hang out with him, I mean that’s just weird.

I just thought it was completely ironic that of all the gays Aaron knows, I ran into somebody. Lord knows that would happen to me.

One song they certainly didn’t play, which is now one of my top faves is the YouTube sensation I See You Baby (Shakin’ That Ass). So here it is for your listening pleasure.

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The Concert

April 13, 2011

So I went home last weekend. As a belated birthday present, my generous parents bought me air fare to come home and see them for a weekend. Conveniently enough, the same weekend of the Lady Gaga concert that Aaron and I have had floor tickets for since the beginning of last year. What a coincidence!

Anyway, the whole going home trip is  a story within itself (and for another post), but Lady Gaga was amazing beyond comprehension.

Last year when Aaron and I attended the Monster Ball, we went all out and got there at 6 a.m. to wait in line all day and be mega mega extra close to the stage and have our pictures taken for Spanish newspapers and the whole shebang. This time, since the concert was on a Friday and Aaron had school and I had some living to do, we took a more low-key route and just got there in the evening only minor-ly dressed up (but of course with heels) and basically just decided to let the night happen as it would happen.

And happen it did.  First we painted our nails a cobalt, spectrum blue with glitter. Aaron painted his while driving and eating. We’re pretty sure he ate more nail polish than what ended up on his fingers.

While waiting in line, shirtless Aaron had his picture taken with multiple concert-goers and a Toyota Center Chef only to be told he had to have a shirt to get into the concert. So we hiked back to his truck to get one.

Then I had to go to the bathroom (of course), so I told for sure we would have a terrible spot. But when we got on the floor, we actually weren’t that far back, which made us laugh at all of our antics from last year.We were smooshed against a very affectionate lesbian couple (one girl kept putting her tongue in her girlfriend’s ear – that’s just gross no matter who you are!) and some overweight and pushy couples who were also all up on one another.

However, when the amazing, fantastic, hilarious, old, slightly drunk, Gaga’s bestie Lady Starlight….

came on stage, I realized that I couldn’t see a damn thing, which was unacceptable since she proceeded to put on quite a show, including running in circles around the stage and freezing completely for a good 3 or 4 minutes. So we decided to move to the back of the arena. That was the best decision ever. We could see everything picture perfect, we just weren’t right on top of the stage and people were not surrounding us and hindering our concert experience. It was brilliant.

Being the idiots that we are, neither one of us knew who was opening for Gaga, so I was ecstatic when I realized it was Semi Precious Weapons…

I love Justin.

They played several new songs and made me love them even more. Justin (the lead singer) is so crazy with his nudity and sparkly heels and high kicks.  I love it.

While waiting for Gaga to take the stage (which took like 45 minutes since all of her stuff is so elaborate and spectacular), we read my latest SkyMall, which is truly the best part of flying ever. As a side note, you should see what SkyMall’s all about.

But I digress, of course Gaga was the best part of the concert. (A la SNL’S Stefon) The concert had everything: radioactive Asians, chubby gays in unitards, burning pianos, slobbering lesbians, glitter, screaming, dedicated text messages, drunk ladies putting their beers at our feet, people we knew, heels, grandmas in rainbow wings, babies, fruit loops in skirts, doting mothers, more screaming, blood fountains, Jesus Christ playing guitar, funky backup singers, shoving, Michael from Germany who likes boys and girls, subway cars, paparazzi monsters and anything else you could possibly imagine (as well as those things you can’t).

Gaga played both versions of Born This Way, came back for two more songs, cried a little bit, inspired us a lot and was just your average, typical out-of-this-world performer. And from where we were standing, we actually saw the Monster Ball this time around, which is a truly phenomenal show. I cannot imagine the amount of people and work it takes to make this show happen in a different venue every night. That takes some serious talent and teamwork, not to mention leadership.

Ru ru and Gaga share the same blurry aura about them.

So how was the concert? Gaga told me to tell you that “We burned Houston down to the F-ing ground!” if that gives you any perspective.

The day Dana and Aaron bought a stripper pole

September 12, 2010

I have a stripper pole in  the middle of my room. I bought it yesterday. Even after my mom told me no.

I did not wake up and say “I’m going to buy a pole today,” because I actually woke up at the crack of dawn and took the GMAT (to get into grad school.) So I think my reasoning was flawed the rest of the day since I used too many brain cells on the test.

Nonetheless, I have a stripper pole.

I have been going through this phase of really wanting to be a total bad ass; I have even decided I want to be a bartender when I’m old enough. So yesterday, Aaron and I were on our usual adventures, planning and getting supplies for his 18th birthday party, and we ended up at the mall. Then we ended up in Spencers. Then I ended up wanting to buy a stripper pole. In that order.

I decided I wanted one, so I called my mom to ask her what she thought. She said no. I told that she could use it too and it would be a great way to keep up out  new fitness obsession and spice up her marriage. She said no. I told her that I really, really wanted it and wouldn’t buy anything expensive for a while. She said no.

So I bought it.

I have this exact pole.

We took the pole to my house, where I got some glares from my mom, though my dad just seemed extremely amused.

My mom was like “You wanted to work at Disney! What do you need a stripper pole for?”

I told her that sometimes Minnie likes to get down and dirty.

She said she was not taking me to the hospital when I fell off and broke something  or caused the ceiling to cave in and then locked herself in her room to pray the rosary.

My dad set up the pole in the my room, which was exactly more complicated than what the outside of the box said, but my dad can pretty much figure out anything, so we were good.

Then Aaron and I took turns putting on shows and almost taking the pole down with us. We don’t have enough room to do like lateral spins, but otherwise we are fine. Although “to the window, to wall” has a whole new meaning when you are trying to catch a falling stripper pole.

I am leaving the pole up so that Aaron and I can practice. Diamond Club South, our local strip club, is hiring, so we need to get good fast. I want to be able to do this:

This is going to make an excellent chapter in our book.

Gaga part deux

August 2, 2010

Our picture can also be found on the Houston Press Web site. I still cannot believe I was there and she was here and how fantastic it was and how fierce we looked.  Memories…

Better than sex

August 1, 2010

****Warning this post contains profanity

Me and King A dressed for the Monsterball

 “Should anyone ask you how the concert was, you tell them we burned Houston down to the fucking ground.” – Lady Gaga  

Exactly one week ago at this time, I was being liberated at the Monsterball. Words cannot begin to describe how absolutely amazing Lady Gaga is and how life changing the Monsterball was. My mom says I’m over exaggerating, but you really have no idea. I have seriously been reeling over this experience for the entire week and have been reliving it every time I close my eyes.King A and I got to the Toyota Center at 7 a.m. since we had general admission floor tickets. In the morning we looked like two kids just going to church. We waited all day. It was hot, the bathroom was miles away in a parking garage and I felt like a hooker walking there in my heels, I got sun burn in the pattern of my lace tights and we tried not to drink too much so as not to have to pee. The people around us were pretty craze, and not exactly in a good way, but it was just phenomenal.  The spanish newspaper  even took a picture of us. King A and I spent the day playing millions of round of speed (yet he always won), making up our own card games, and people watching, all while trying not to get too hot and getting annoyed with the battle of the radio stations trying to each play their music louder.

Us with our fellow Little Monsters. Aaron told the lady a fake name for me - "Roxanne"

But, the wait was so worth it because we had the best spots. We were like 8 rows away from the main stage and literally zero rows away from the middle stage catwalk thing. When Lady Gaga went down the cat walk, if she would have leaned over, we could have touched her. Lady Starlight gave a pre-show and Semi Precious Weapons opened for Gaga and both acts were pretty much just as good as Gaga. Lady Starlight was boppin around to hardcore real rock music and Justin of SPW was crazy, kicking his legs up mega high, getting naked on stage,spewing champagne  and wearing custom heels.

This is the veil I designed and King A actually helped me put together.

While I would need like 5,000 words to even begin to fully say how I feel about it all, especially since we are coming up to the Gaga part, I will spare you the hours of reading and just tell you my favorite part.While Gaga sang 18 songs, and had the best clothes, most elaborate sets and very sexy backup dancers. I cried when she told us she created the Mosterball as a place for her fans to be free. She told to drop all of our insecurities and just be free bitches because

“Tonight all the freaks are outside. And I’ve locked the fucking doors.”   

To hear 20, 000 people just screaming their hearts out and Lady Gaga just telling us it was ok to be whoever the fuck we are and want to be was the most liberating experience so far. I’ pretty sure this is how old ladies feel about Jesus (who was also at the Monsterball as Lady Gaga’s guitarist.)Afterwards we were parched, famished, achy all over, covered in sunburn and blisters and pretty much went into survival mode on the drive home, but we were so liberated. I still feel that liberated. As mom said, everyone can go to hell in a hay basket now because I can be whoever I want and I really and truly don’t care anymore what anyone wants to think. I’m a free bitch.I am so glad we already have tickets for when she comes back in April because King A and I have decided that we would give up sex for the rest of our lives to see Lady Gaga concerts all the time instead.

Cause Gaga is better than sex. 

Community Center part deux

July 30, 2010

So as I have previously mentioned I go to my local community center gym. And its worthy of a sitcom. Here is just one more little anecdote to prove it.  This scene would probably make a great trailer for the sitcom.

I usually go in the early mornings or evenings, so I have seen pretty much everyone who ever goes at those times at least once before. However, one Friday I got off work early, so I went in the mid-afternoon. There was only Larry and this one lady on a treadmill, so I thought I was safe on my elliptical.

However, in walked a talkative old couple. They were not married, but they may have been friends or friends with benefits, I’m not exactly sure how old people roll, but they were definitely in their late 60s if not a little older. They knew both Larry and the lady on the treadmill, so they started chatting it up with them about how long it had been since they’d last made an appearance at the gym and how everyone was doing.

The old guy was proud to announce that he had just had his cataracts removed and could finally see that the lady on the treadmill had hair, which he was also pleased to announce. His old lady-friend got on a treadmill, still chatting away about her grandchildren or something and the old guy meandered my way.

I crossed my fingers and prayed that he would just leave me alone, but I just knew he was going to end up talking to me, since he had been looking my way since he waltzed in the door. He slowly made his way over to the elliptical and looked at me for a good minute.

“Working on your hips?” he asked, while glancing at my entire being.

“Haha yeah,” I tried to laugh him off.

“I think big hips are nice, don’t you?” he asked me.

“If I did I wouldn’t be here,” I told him.

“Well, they’re nice on somebody else, don’t you think?”

I didn’t respond to that one.

“You keep running like that, but not going anywhere,” he remarked.

“Don’t remind me,” I told him.

Then he sat down and began talking to Larry, every few minutes looking back at me and commenting how I was just going to fly out of the gym on the elliptical.

“Enjoy it while you’re young,” he told me after I had finished  my work out and was on my way out the door. “Cause it doesn’t last.”

And I thought what a lie that was because since old guys are the only ones who hit on me now, maybe when I’m old the young guys will finally see what they’ve been missing.