Posted tagged ‘sketch idea’

Oh Say Can You See

July 4, 2011

Happy Independence Day!

According to the awful, fake, sensationalized,  biased news-wanna-be (NEWS-FIX on CW39), one in four Americans do not even know the meaning of Independence day. While I don’t believe much that NEWS-FIX says, I do believe that, because let’s face it:  Americans just keep getting dumber and dumber. We have the best technology right now in the history of the world. We have all kinds of laws, bills and programs to educate the youth and help more people earn college degrees. We have all the tools and means to live as well-educated and informed citizens, but we deliberately choose not to. So I thought I would just go ahead and refresh everyone’s memory on why we celebrate Independence Day.

July 4th marks our separation from the Soviet Union.

I’m kidding. Although according to NEWS-FIX’s poll, that’s what about 40% of Americans thought. Pretty Sad.

Independence Day commemorates the birthday of the United States and the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776. And we celebrate by eating barbecue, watching fireworks and generally forgetting what the holiday means.

But here are a few fun facts about the 4th of July  (courtesy of USA.gov).

  • Texas produced 6.8 billion pounds of cattle and calves in 2010, so it’s a good possibility that you are eating home-grown meat today.
  • The U.S. imported $197.3 million in fireworks last year, with the majority of that coming from China. The U.S. exported only $37 million worth of fireworks, with Japan buying most of ours. So enjoy celebrating your American holiday in true American style:using stuff somebody else made.
  • Thirty-five places have “eagle” in their names. The most populated one is Eagle Pass, Texas with more than 26,000 people.
  • 81 million people reported taking part in a barbecue last year. I was really worried about that one.
Nonetheless, God Bless the U.S.A and have a happy 4th of July however you choose to celebrate.
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Clever Dads and other things I’ve learned

March 29, 2011

So here in Disney World, I have had the opportunity to truly observe, study and document guest behavior. And in the two and half months I’ve been here, I’ve seen it all. Really.

I’ve seen happy guests, pissed guests, sad guests, dumb guests, fantastic guests, excited guests, bossy guests, shy guests, old guests, young guests, foreign guests, American guests, baby guests, bitchy guests, fat guests…. and the list goes on. Despite all their differences though, many of guests share a few similar behaviors and traits across the board. Allow me to explain.

Filming: Guests film everything here. Literally everything.  Kids playing in the hotel pool? Film it. Entire rides (most popularly It’s a small world)? Film it. People walking by? Film it. Character meet and greets? Film it. Dinner plates and other meals? Film it. Trash on the ground? Film it. Suzy and Jacob brawling in the Kingdom? Film it. Kids asleep in the stroller? Film it. Dad yelling about spending money? Film it. Waiting in line to use the restroom? Film it.  I do not exaggerate.

I honestly don’t know how these people have enough memory on their cameras or video cameras for all this filming, but it happens. And while I understand here at Disney we are celebrating “Let the memories begin,” begin does not mean make sure to record every second of every day, should something happen that we need to remember forever. My parents did not film every moment of my first trip to Disney, yet I still clearly remember the parts worth remembering. If you are so busy filming, then you are not actually living out the experience and congratulations all you will remember from your Disney vacation is what you caught on tape.

And the other thing is: when are you going to watch all these videos? Are you going to watch Snow White’s Scary Adventures ride before you go to sleep each night? Or are the kids splashing in the pool the video you must see every morning? Besides to embarrass your kids at their wedding or other family members at gatherings/reunions or as America’s funniest home video potential, I bet that 80% of guests will never watch their homemade Disney memories again after they post them on Facebook.

Clever Dads: This one gets me every time. It’s that type of Dad that halfway through the day you want to tell them to shove it up their ass. Seriously. These dads are the ones that make the stupid, cliché jokes every time. They want to look like the funny guy and have all the attention on themselves. Sadly, nobody actually cares.

For example, when meeting a character they have to comment on whether the character is right or left handed. Guess what dad? All of the characters are ambidextrous because they have to sign so many autographs every day. Also why does it matter what hand Mickey Mouse writes with? He’s signing your book, right? Then be quiet.

Or going on a ride a clever dad likes to say “Oh I’m not tall enough” and his devoted family laughs like its the first time anyone every came up with that joke. The last 12 dads in line before you also came up with that one liner. Dumb comments to the characters are also common like “Are you a boy or a girl?” Clearly, Mickey Mouse is male and Minnie Mouse is female. Does anyone question your gender clever dad? Then again, shut the hell up.

Family Guy's Peter Griffith is a good example of a clever dad.

Obvious Questions: It’s become the biggest joke amongst cast members, but yes, guests actually have asked what time the 3:00 o’clock parade is. Asking the obvious is a common behavior for guests and I don’t really know why. It might be that they stop thinking because they are on vacation, or are overwhelmed by all the sights, smells, tastes and magic of Disney World. Or maybe it’s the sun that fries their brains, but nonetheless it happens all the time. Here are some examples:

When an attendant announces that their character’s line is closed and the guest comes up and asks if their family can get line. When a mom measures her kid to go on Space Mountain and the kid is too short, then asks if he can ride anyway. When a family gets a fast pass to come back at noon and they come back at 4 p.m. and ask if it’s still good. When a guest asks for free park admission because it’s their birthday. When a guest asks for half price admission because they are buying their ticket a 6 p.m. and the park closes at 11 p.m. When a guest asks if they can just stand in the middle of the walkway to watch Fantasmic! When a guest asks if they can just stand on the stage and watch Fantasmic…can you see my point?

Yet all we can do is answer their questions and wish them a magical day.

“I paid a lot of money for this!”: This is an attitude of entitlement that almost all guests share. They think that since they paid so much money and traveled however far they traveled to get to Disney World, that they are entitled to everything. This is true to a point, but it seems like most of the guests forget that pretty much all the other guests in the park went through the exact same thing, paid close to the same amount of money and also traveled. The same is true for anyone celebrating anything, especially birthdays; they think they should just own the park. Do you know how many people celebrate a birthday on any given day here? Thousands at least.

This attitude makes guests viscous toward other guests, hard to reason with or communicate with and quite frankly makes them a pain in booty to be around or associate with. Please don’t be one of these guests.

Gateway tahtoo

March 2, 2011

So King Aaron and I have matching tahtoos. I bet many of you didn’t know this, but we totally do. For his 18th birthday, Aaron wanted a blue dot on his foot to represent “The world as viewed from a great distance” ala Phobe on Friends. So on his 18th birthday, Sept. 26, 2010, the two of us went to this hippie tahtoo shop near Kemah and Aaron walked out with a blue dot. He wanted me to get one at the same time, but of course I was too chicken.

After seeing him get his done and deciding it was really cool, I wanted a dot too. Since the two of us are so connected, I also thought it would be a cool way that we could telecommunicate. For example, “My tahtoo is tingling! Aaron must be in trouble!” So during Christmas break, right before I was leaving to come to this most magical place on earth, we went back to the hippie tahtoo place and this time I walked out with a blue dot of my own.

The world as viewed from a great distance on my foot.

Well anyway, little did we know that our blue dots would be gateway tahtoos because now I really want another one. I know its dumb, unprofessional and so on and so forth, but I want one nonetheless. I’m not saying I want a “sleeve” or a gross one that covers my entire back, nor will I get one that will stretch out and look awful when I become old and/or fat.  I don’t even want it to be bigger than maybe one or two inches. But I want another tahtoo.

In an ideal world I would get this sun, drawn by Marc Johns, minus the words on my right wrist. The same place as Gaga’s peace sign.

I think it would be cool because then I would have the world on my foot and the sun on my wrist so that my body would be the equivalent of a solar system. But since I would never get hired anywhere with such a visible tahtoo, I know it’s not going to happen. Although, I can wish.

Because of that, I have been thinking about getting some Mickey Mouse ears on my hip, since I am a really big fan of Mickey and Minnie.  I would get one like this without the year and on my hip:

To make matters worse, it seems like tattoos come up in conversation all the time. My roommate Courtney has three, which are all really cool. Being performers, we all change and get dressed in front of each other all the time and so everyone sees everyone else’s tahtoos and then we end up talking about them. One performer I met has a tahtoo of Pluto one foot and Eeyore on the other. Sports teams seem to be popular, as do tahtoos in remembrance for a dead relatives. Its ridiculous.

My parents were slightly pissed that I got y blue dot, which I barely even count as a tahtoo since it would be so easy to cover up if I/when I ever need to. I know they don’t want me to get anymore….

but I really, really, really, really, want one.

Footnote***: I know tattoo is spelled wrong throughout this post. But tahtoo is a joke and also more fun to say. It’s a thing.

Who am I anyway?

November 29, 2010

“Who am I anyway? Am I my resume? That is a picture of a person I don’t know. What does he want from me? What should I try to be? So many faces all around and here we go…” – A Chorus Line

I am going to be embarking on an actual college-like experience which is pretty much the anthesis of everything I stand for and believe in. But I need some “college days” stories in my autobiography, so it’s a necessary evil (as opposed to a great, unmerited one).

Anyway, I need to decide how to best describe myself to these new people, especially since I tend to come off more snotty and mean than I want people to know I am the first several times I meet them.

Basically, I need to devise a spoken Match.com profile for when I meet people. I am thinking that it will go something like this:

My name is Dana Lizik and I’m an alcoholic. Just kidding. I don’t drink or smoke or party or have any fun. Just kidding. I do have some fun, but not in the mainstream/call-the-cops kind of way. I am known best as the comic relief although I tend to be overdramtic given my 16 years of dance and theatre training. I am a diehard Saturday Night Live fan and have been watching the show since I was like 8 years old. I was even named after Dana Carvey.  I known all the lyrics to more than several Broadway shows and I am going to be a Rockette. Just kidding. I’m barely 5′ tall. I could never be a Rockette. I have a B.A. in Communication and an A.A. in Journalism, so obvious grammatic errors and unnecessary commas drive me crazy (although you’d never know it because I don’t proofread my own stuff worth crap an couldn’t spell my way out of a paper bag). I choose apple over PC any day. I get along with gays better than any other type of person and I am a strong gay rights supporter. I love Lady Gaga, which is weird because once the masses of society begin to like a celebrity, show, movie, etc. I usually feel the need to stop liking it. If I was rich I would own a closet full of Urban Outfitters clothes. I am an extremely picky eater and a tad OCD about certain aspects of my life. I have three jobs and the Protestant work ethic. I am overly responsible and a natural-born leader, which means I like to be in charge of things.  I have a stripper pole in my bedroom. I know all the words to the videos in the WeeSing series. I am seriously considering working for the government. I hate to drive. I love sarcasm and deadpanned jokes. One day I’m either going to famous or infamous depending on many factors including the weather. So tell me a little about yourself.

What would people do if I actually said all that when I met them? You know you know somebody who does something like this. Hopefully I am not the person that comes to mind. Yet.

Tears of Laughter

October 14, 2010

Last weekend I spent the night at King A’s house and as we were participating in our usual bed time antics (that sounds so scandalous, doesn’t it?) I remembered a very funny moment from our Gaga weekend.

If this were a movie, this is where the dream sequence would begin.

The night before the Gaga concert we stayed up really really late for a number of reasons. By the time we started to go to sleep, it was like 2 a.m. and we were going to get up at 5 a.m. to get ready. Aaron went to turn on the standing fan we use when we sleep in the guest room. He turned it on high and then got in bed.

We both started trying to fall asleep, but the fan was blowing so high that the blanket was blowing up and down, our hair was blowing like model hair and it was this intense wind. For some reason, Aaron said, “It feels like snakes in a blanket!” referencing that god-awful Samuel L. Jackson movie, Snakes on a Plane. I took it one step further and adapted Jackson’s famous line, yelling “I’m sick of these mother f-ing snakes in my mother f-ing blankie!” Which was was like the funniest thing I ever heard.

Dream sequence over.

Anyway, last weekend when Aaron went to turn on the fan, and he accidentally started to turn it on to high power I remembered the aforementioned scenario and just started dying of laughter. I laughed for like 2 minutes straight; the crazy, ab work-out-the-more-you-try-to-stop-the-harder-you-laugh kind of laugh. Aaron asked me if I was going to die. There were tears coming out of my eyes, and in reality nothing was even that funny.

I think it was a combination of sleep deprivation, stress, overload and just a form of extreme emotional catharsis. It was pretty fun, weird, but fun.

So my little bit of wisdom for this week is to encourage all of you to find a way to shed some tears of laughter. I have had a better week this week, (well better than I’ve had the past few weeks) and i think it is in part because of those laughter tears. You won’t regret it.

I'm sick of these mother f-ing snakes in my mother f-ing blankie!

Toasties

September 19, 2010

While interning at the Chamber this summer, I was given the opportunity to join Toastmasters International.

This invitation took me by surprise, because  I did not really know what Toastmasters was. First, I thought it was a club that talked about international toasting techniques, like what toaster setting to cook the bread on so that it would come out golden brown and different buttering methods/techniques, but that wasn’t right.

Then I was confused because  I am not even old enough to consume alcohol yet, so I didn’t think I would be allowed to join a club that teaches people to write nice toasts, to be said during the “cheersing” of champagne at  weddings, anniversaries and other important events. But that wasn’t right either.

Well much to my surprise (this is just one more example of how stupid I can be since I didn’t know this in the beginning), in Toastmasters, which I have dubbed Toasties, we do not talk about buttering toasts or writing toasts. Toasties is actually a club that focuses on improving your public speaking skills and certifying you as a “competent communicator.”

Even more surprising than the lack of toasted bread and wedding toasts, is the fact that I actually really like Toasies. We meet on Friday mornings, and of course everyone in the club is kind of old, but they are all just as crazy as my friends at the gym.

The president is rather scatter-brained and a real jesus-lover, which makes me laugh; then there is one guy who reminds me of my dad the way he can just ramble on for hours and suffers from a slight case of social awkwardness;then there is the over zealous almost professional Toastmaster guy, who used to be a member of like 30 Toasties clubs at once; then there’s a nice, funny guy who is also a jesus-lover and of course some kind of youth minister who always gives very inspiring speeches (he’s my fave); and the funky, spunky, jesus-loving guy who practices his speeches and always knows them perfectly or just makes them up as he goes along and knows them perfectly; and some other people too.

It is really quite fun. So far I’ve given my intro speech, where I totally faked everyone out by saying I was an alcoholic and a speech on Lady Gaga and her amazingness. I also gave a speech about the time I tried to be a runner in the morning but ended up nearly breaking my ankle for a humor competition, I didn’t win though.

However, I did win for the Table Topics competition. In fact, I have won the “Most Improved Table Topics” ribbon like three times and I am going to compete to represent my Toasties club at regionols.

Table Topics is basically a minute of improv, which is why I like it so much. The Table Topic Master (aren’t all these official names hilarious?) gives you a question or a prop or a topic and you have to talk about that for at least a minute to qualify. For example, the question that got me to the regional competition was answering if a Mosque should be built by Ground Zero, but they are not always that serious.

Once I pretended I was a fortune-teller named Madame Babballa and just this last week I told everyone that Prince Zimbuabau was the face on the $10 bill. I can make up some pretty great stuff.

The regional competition will be held on Oct. 2, so I am excited to see what other things I can come up with  and maybe even win. Wouldn’t that be funny if I won all the way to Nationals? Then I could go to the White House and make up answers for President Obama. I would be the real Toastmaster then.

If I found a genie lamp (or black lady for a day)

August 4, 2010

You know how genies live in magic lamps and when you find the lamp you get 3 wishes? Are you familiar with that process? If not you should probably go watch Aladdin or I Dream a Genie or something and just pray you haven’t stumbled upon your genie lamp yet

Well I was thinking about what I wish for, just to be prepared in case I ever find one, and I thought up the coolest wish.

If  (when) I find a magic genie lamp I am going to wish that everyone in the world (who would like to) can spend one day of their lives as a black lady.

Seriously,  you would get to spend a day as a black lady.

I do not mean this as a racist or cruel wish and I really don’t mean to stereotype or offend anyone, but I know that I personally wish at least twice a week that I was a black lady. It’s a compliment.

One of the spunkiest black ladies

I mean think of women like Queen Latifah, Wanda Sykes, Mercedes from Glee; the spunky black ladies. These girls are able to snap a z in your face and say things like “Girl, Please!” without sounding stupid or trashy.

Many can sing like Aretha Franklin, tell everyone how they really feel, and be extremely loud without consequences. Not to mention they are naturally funny and you know everyone accepts the fact that they just play the role of spunky black lady. Also, these ladies are pretty safe, even in dangerous situations, because who is going to try to rape someone who yells loud enough to be heard across the alley in normal conversation.

Also clothes made of spandex or embellished with crazy print designs are considered everyday attire for our spunky friends. I would love to pull off leopard print and wear four-inch purple heels.

People always make such stupid wishes when they discover the magic lamp, but I really think being a back lady for a day is a win-win situation. It would be a great opportunity to literally walk in someone else’s shoes and its only for a day, so if you really hate it what’s the big deal? Then you could at least stop wishing you were a black lady.

And don’t even get me started on how much you’d appreciate who you actually are after spending a day as someone you are not.

There’s no way to lose, so let’s all be black ladies!